Coffee, a toasted bagel, music and this space... surest way to my heart.
My heart. There is a lot going on in there that I've been trying to find the words for, and as these things would have it, the words I've been searching for haven't just appeared out of thin air like I've been holding out for.
And then last night, it sunk in for me: that right there is the actual point to all of this. Nothing just falls in your lap. There is no success to be had without effort, no product to enjoy without long hours behind the scenes, and no life changing, pivotal moment without months, years, or decades of failure propping it up. For me and this space, the words I'm searching for will never just fall out of thin air. I have to dig for them, write them down, erase them, edit them, live with them, create them, be engrossed by them, and have my life changed by them if I want to publish them.
The thing? These moving realizations don't always lean in your favor.
I'll be honest, I spent a portion of my night in tears after it all sunk in. I was (and still am) completely terrified to take a new turn in this ever changing, sometimes difficult journey of authenticity. I've spent the majority of these last six years behind a shield I've always kept at arms length, and then I stopped and looked around and saw that my life would always just be safe if I continued down the path I was on. Though my heart was in the right place when I put up the safe guards I did, they weren't needed for as long as I used them. The life I was leading was warm and comfortable and known, but it was also very limiting.
Yesterday is one of those days that I'll remember for the rest of my life, just like that day back in May of 2009. It's another pivotal moment that has six years of failure, success, struggle and pure joy propping it up. The road ahead is uncharted and intimidating, but growth really does happen at the end of our comfort zones. I've lived and learned within the boundaries I created for myself, and now, it's time to step into the arena... one that requires me to leave all shields and safe guards at the door. It's time to learn the power of vulnerability and to quiet the voice that holds me back from jumping in wholeheartedly.