This is such a beautiful feeling, this clarity. It feels more stable than I thought it would, more directed and intentional. It feels open, peaceful, connected...free. I have this deep, overwhelming desire to be myself; a fierce longing to be genuine.
I never fully saw who I was becoming until this year, never fully understood the impact a life placed on autopilot truly had on me. I see that so clearly now. I see someone who loved so deeply, who was excited for the adventures that life had to offer, who never saw impossibility or limitations... who was fearless. And I also see the impact certain agreements I made with myself had on me. They changed me, deeply and fundamentally for a while. I had to do it perfectly, to advance and achieve and save my future self from feeling like how I always did deep down: that every moment of every day was actually a lose lose situation, in the most demanding way, and all for a gain that I couldn't be proud of. Perfection doesn't have personality attached to it. It doesn't have growth, or struggle, or kindness propping it up. My soul was longing for that, not perfection.
I am now able to sit next to people and just get to know them, to love them without needing anything in return. To see and honor the soul within each of them, and within myself.
Love. There is no other word I can use to adequately describe what that feels like, just love.