You're the One that I Want

You know what this has been, this journey that I've been on? Since day one, this whole thing was just a way for me to trust myself again. It was a way for me to learn how to rely on myself and to show myself that I would come through for me. Come hell or high water.

And you know what? I totally haven't been that for myself. I've let myself down more times than I can wrap my mind around. I've hidden behind the mountain of excuses that I've built so it would be easier for me to ignore the calls for help I was sending out.  

All I've ever needed was for me to take the empty seat that was front and center from the stage I was standing on and be my own support. To fill the room with applause once the curtain dropped. And for me to be proud of myself for the effort I put in, and for the important things I didn't leave undone. 

It's time to answer that call and to dive in wholeheartedly. 

Our City

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented? Who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

This, everything that's been happening lately, has been the very. best of my life. The head-heart connections that I'm having keep showing me that which stretches me is so very important and that if I'm still enough to look at what is unfolding right in front of me, I will see that I am being held through it all. I will see that I'm safe.

God, I haven't felt this level of peace since I was a little girl! I've made the head-heart connection around the simple truth that I can step into my own life again and just be me... without a filter! Without censorship! Without shrinking! Without being afraid that I will take a "wrong" turn, whatever the hell that even means. I haven't been asked to do it perfectly the first time around like I've subconsciously anchored myself to for the past two decades. That false expectation paralyzed me because there is no way in the world that I could ever know how I am meant to get from A to Z without giving myself the permission to travel there first. I knew that, right? I knew that perfection didn't have a place in my world anymore going into this new year. I knew what I wanted my life to look like but I didn't have the heart connection to accompany that knowledge. I feel that now.

You know what it was? It's that the risk of vulnerability, to me, was always like throwing a party that no one showed up to. But you know what I learned today!? That it'll always be like that if I continue to approach my life that way! If I never even throw the damn party, I will only ever realize the end that I'm most afraid of, which is going the rest of my life without truly connecting with people. People have so much greatness within them! So much greatness. I want to be apart of that. I want to see that. To support that. To help someone realize that within themselves and then to stand next to them and watch them turn the world upside down in whatever way that looks like for them. I want to love people, like deeply love people. 

No, not perfection. It was never about doing it right. It was about rising up to something bigger than myself. It was about finding something deeper within myself and aligning with that instead. My soul has wanted to be apart of something authentic and worthy of my life ever since I can remember. Something I found to be beautiful and sacred and holy. And now I've found that!! With every fiber of my being, I know now what I am supposed to be doing with my life. And guess what I'm being asked to do? To fucking show up. In order for me to do any of this, I need to be me. Me just as I am. Me in progress. Me without walls. Me without shrinking. Mother fucking me. 

Mind. Blown. 

 

Like Real People Do

Good Morning, Loves:

There's something stirring up within me, something I can't quite put my finger on. But I know that whatever this is, it's possibly the truest thing that's ever happened. It feels like new. It feels like I'm finishing up the last few words of one giant chapter of my life - the one that encompasses the first 20-something years where I go around searching for something that I've had all along.

I spent an entire year growing by my 2016 resolution, which was to be intentional with myself and with others. I didn't know it then, but the word intention within medicine means "the healing of a wound" which is exactly what this last year was for me. God, it was a brutal year, but it was also such a beautiful year filled with some of the deepest healing I've ever known. 

My intent for 2017 is to do life in full awareness, which is a definition of "knowing". It's to know that I have no fucking clue what life has in store for me. I have no idea what the next height will look like, or what the next break will feel like, but I know that neither are to be taken seriously. It's to know that everything really does happen for a reason and to remember that I don't need to know what that reason is - I just need to trust that it's right. It's to know that life is all about relationships and every single one of them will teach me something about myself, about life, and about love. It's to know that life only ever begins when we start showing up, and it doesn't matter if we show up messy, confused, uncomfortable, or insecure. We just need to show up. And it's to know that perfection has no place in my world because "the important thing in Life is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." 

Here's to knowing. Cheers to another beautiful year, 

A. 

King of Carrot Flowers

This is such a beautiful feeling, this clarity.  It feels more stable than I thought it would, more directed and intentional. It feels open, peaceful, connected...free. I have this deep, overwhelming desire to be myself; a fierce longing to be genuine. 

I never fully saw who I was becoming until this year, never fully understood the impact a life placed on autopilot truly had on me. I see that so clearly now. I see someone who loved so deeply, who was excited for the adventures that life had to offer, who never saw impossibility or limitations... who was fearless.  And I also see the impact certain agreements I made with myself had on me. They changed me, deeply and fundamentally for a while. I had to do it perfectly, to advance and achieve and save my future self from feeling like how I always did deep down: that every moment of every day was actually a lose lose situation, in the most demanding way, and all for a gain that I couldn't be proud of. Perfection doesn't have personality attached to it. It doesn't have growth, or struggle, or kindness propping it up. My soul was longing for that, not perfection.

I am now able to sit next to people and just get to know them, to love them without needing anything in return. To see and honor the soul within each of them, and within myself.

Love. There is no other word I can use to adequately describe what that feels like, just love. 

Just Be

I must've climbed up on that roof a thousand times before we moved. 

There was something about that childhood home of ours - those walls covered with family portraits which hung in the same place for over a decade, the wallpaper in the bathroom... that tiny little bathroom... building forts in the family room and playing games until dusk on Bermont Drive.  I get like this, sometimes. So nostalgic and reflective. 

It's times like these that the fear which so routinely fills up my world is replaced by this powerful understanding. I so deeply want to bring to life that which has never existed before, to give this feeling an outlet and see what happens on the other side of that blank canvas. I want to create something authentic and worthy of my life; something I find to be beautiful and sacred and holy. Something that allows me to translate this powerful feeling of urgency in a way that makes me take a step back and say, "Yes. That." And then I find myself staring at a blank page... 

What is it about White Space that has the power to inspire me
But when it comes right down to it,
Me on White Space? It shakes me to my very core.
Maybe it's the permanency,
Or maybe it's the ease in which these words I've spent my entire life searching for are so easily removed.

Me on White Space.
The concept is so freeing,
but the reality? It has me frozen in the Space between these keys,
In the Space between these lines,
In the Space between my struggle.

The idea of turning the magnifying glass inward and having what is found within transpose to this space
is beyond paralyzing.
Perfection to mask the White Space -
A side I haven't fully seen,
But really, a side I haven't fully faced.
So I look to other people who have walked this path before me,
And I try to make their path a path that will finally allow me to tell my story,
But what I keep coming back to is the same old story.
And what I keep coming back to is the same white space that allows me to tell my story - 


Written  March 2015


 *** 

There is one incredible theme behind almost every post I've written: an inability to see that this, that life, is a journey. It's not about the product - it's all about the process. The lessons, the memories, the experiences, the growth, the laughter... that's what this is about. And the most beautiful thing is that there's no right or wrong in that.  I've wanted to create something authentic and worthy of my life; something I found to be beautiful and sacred and holy. As I read through the hundreds of journal entries I've written since the 7th grade, I'm realizing that the free spirited, eccentric little girl who lived  all those years ago is my lighthouse out of the waves I've found myself in.

She was authentic and fearless, and the life she created was beautiful. 

Love, Twu Love

There are a few legends that surround Valentine's Day, but my favorite rendition is that Saint Valentine defied Emperor Claudius II and performed secret marriages for young lovers, despite the decree that single men would make better soldiers for his army. When Valentine's treason was discovered, it's said that he was put to death on February the 14th. 

Photo Credit: The Colagrossis

You taught me that, babe. That, and a thousand other random tidbits I never knew about. I love that about you. I also love that the sound of your laughter is the only thing I hear in a room full of voices, and that the faint lines around your eyes show just how often you smile. And I love that I'll see those faint lines turn into full blown wrinkles - wrinkles that will eventually tell our life story.  I love how every morning I find myself curious about which documentary will be running in the background from the night before, your unmistakable footprint of boxes and wrappers still sitting on the living room table.

I love your authenticity and kindness along with your bad moods and sorry speeches. Thank you for doing life with me, Mumm - in all it's messy, beautiful glory.

And thank you for doing the dishes. 

I love you. 

Kings and Queens

"Excuse me. Excuse me? What is your name." 

I had pulled over when I saw the Whole Foods sign so I could empty some trash from my back seat and grab some lunch.  With my arms full of old magazines and gum wrappers I said, "My name is Alexa."

"Oh, well Ms. Alexa, I'm trying to save up for a meal, do you have any - "  

I cut him off.  "Bummer. I don't have any cash on me. But let's go inside, I'll buy you something to eat." 

"Oh, nah that's alright. I don't know what's all in there." 

I laughed as I looked him in the eyes. "I'm pretty sure you're allowed inside, my man. Come in with me, I'll buy you lunch. What's your name?" 

"People call me Junior." 

I'd never talked to a homeless person before. Or asked them their name. Or bought them lunch. Or gave them money. Somewhere along the bottom row of the Philosophy section, I stopped acknowledging struggle. But this was different -there was no obligation in that moment. There was no moral right. In that moment, he and I were the same. We were both hungry, and one of us had money. The difference was that I had spent my day working for that money, and he had spent his day - 

I didn't know how he had spent his day. I didn't know if he had forgotten his wallet, or if he ever even had a wallet. I didn't know anything about this man, except for his name. 

"So, Junior - what are you in the mood for?" 

"This is a fancy food store, right?" 

"Mmhm." ..... I mean, yeah, Whole Foods does get pretty fancy with their prices.

"One time I had a salad that had a lot of fancy cheese on it. Sheep cheese, or somethin'. That stuff was good." He said that with the biggest smile on his face. "Something light for now, though. Something light." He grabbed a banana as we walked past the stand on the way to the lunch buffet. 

I was looking at the meal deals trying to figure out which two sides I would get with my meat portion when I saw Junior walk up with a small package in his hand. I figured in my indecisive nature, it would be better for the both of us to check out and for me to come back.

We got to the check-out stand and I see "Goat Cheese" pop up on the screen in front of me.

$5.61 well spent.

A Toast, To You and I

Seven days from today, the little town of Allenspark will be buzzing with excitement as the event we've been planning for over a year starts into motion. One of the guys will straighten Dylan's tie before he walks out the door, and I'll add extra bobby pins in my hair on my way out, just in case. 

But even more than that, we will walk towards each other as completely different people than who we were when he asked me to be his wife.

Planning our wedding completely changed our lives. We learned so much more about each other, our families, and our friends during this process than we evercould have known we would have. The stress was so unexpected in the ways we experienced it, and the details... there were so many details. And I'm so grateful for all of it because that's exactly what changed us. This year highlighted cracks in the foundations of our personal lives and our life together, and without that, our relationship may never have been as strong as it is in this very moment. 

Seven days from today, Dylan and I will celebrate the journey we've been on for the last five years, in a room filled with incredible amounts of love. We will toast to our vows and dance in honor of the years we have ahead of us. And when the night comes to an end and we find ourselves tangled up in bed sheets, my hope for us is that we never forget how happy we were in the days before we got married.

Because  baby, I am so happy with you.