I'm hearing my voice in the strangest of places lately. It doesn't happen very often, so when it becomes apparent, I shut up and I listen. God knows there is way too much clutter filling up a space of sanctity. 

In this moment, I'm alone, and I'm usually never alone. I feel the warmth of tears on rosy cheeks and in this space, I have no reason to wipe them away. In the parallel universe, I so often reside in, I don't give myself the luxury of feeling their warmth. I don't give myself the luxury of feeling much at all until my heartbeat has pounded everything into dust and I'm forced to start over. That's what this is, another start. 

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to carry grains of sand and beat myself up for the ones that I drop. My worth is not associated with how many have slipped between my fingers, and it certainly isn't attached to how many I still hold in my hand as a gust of wind can take all of that away. I wash my hands clean of the existence I decided to tune into for way too long. I don't want to play that game anymore. 

But even still, for 6 beautiful months, I felt the heat of the sun on my skin. I knew that there are no consequences associated with me being myself. Those truths I lived are the only thing in this world that matters now.  None of this was ever meant to be taken seriously. Nothing except for the breath I have that sustains me is real - everything else can be left by the wayside. 

Brassy Sun

I fully understand what I am being asked to do. I am being asked to leave everything in a pile on the sand behind me and to never look back. I know I need to love in such a way that the ones I love feel free, starting with myself.

I am a Wild Woman who knows only passion and freedom and laughs away my fears. 

The Work of the Warrior

“Maybe this journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” 

There’s something about sitting by this window overlooking the river that offers me so much clarity. Aligning myself with beauty has always done that, though. There is no deeper peace I feel than when I’m looking at nature and here, in this space, I know in my heart that this journey was never about me becoming anything. What did I have to become? I am starlight in form. I am love. I am the space between the stimulus and the response. I am infinite. And You and I? We are the same. 

I’ve wanted to create something worthy of my life for as long as I can remember. That desire kept me up at night. It drove me to write on corners of coffee stained napkins. I obsessed over it, and there towards the end, I wrote solely because I wanted to see if I would feel that intoxicating feeling that only creation can supply. The irony in that is that I haven’t felt that since I wrote Wild back in 2015. Unsustainable. Unenjoyable. Unattainable. 

Unbecome, so that I can be who I was meant to be in the first place. 

What I genuinely create next, and arguably for the first time, will be the most intimate thing I can offer. It'll be my vision in form. It will encompass the essence of who I am. My soul wants an outlet for no other reason than because that’s how it was designed. You see, it was designed to fly. 

This next chapter will have the signature of freedom and beauty; of stillness and depth. It will be my journey toward bravery and courage, toward who I was meant to be in the first place. 

And it will certainly be Wild. 

Higher Ground

She burned all her masks and instead, stood naked, draped in her own soul.

There is an important difference between where I was just one week ago and where I am today:  a knowing quietly entered my being and has since permanently changed how I walk through this life. 

Simply put, there are certain things I need to do in order to get where I want to be. They're more than just a rule book I need to follow in order to fill in the blank, they're more like fundamental laws I must abide by in order for me to step into my own life. Because without them, I would just fade back into the background. I would be afraid of failing, afraid of succeeding, afraid of losing someone, afraid of loving someone... afraid of every little thing. It took me 28 years to understand that I was fighting a force that, when our paths cross, has the potential of gaining momentum and if left unchecked, a strength that's almost impossible to overcome...almost. I don't know what it is about me but I've taken myself to the brink of extinction twice now by allowing Fear to suffocate me right up until the moment I'm lost to it all together. For me, knowing that I react that way  is now the equivalent of cheating death. 

When my alarm went off this morning I felt the cold air against my skin and the warmth of my husband next to me, and in a moment, laziness crept in. Do you know what the definition of laziness is? "The unwillingness to use work or energy. Idleness." I laid there at a crossroads - I either get up and steal 3 hours for myself so I can step into the roles that I play and be the best version of myself, like I said I would, or I can stay in this warm bed and remain in a state I've been in for 28 years because I was unwilling to step into the morning. The power there is that for the first time in my life, I'm clearly creating my own alternatives rather than being a Pawn in a game that required the actions of Queens. The only thing I ever needed to understand was what I needed to do when the waters rise. That's it. 

God, the irony in that kills me. 

The Night we Met

I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.
— Stephen Covey

Huh. So this is what action feels like. 

I believe wholeheartedly that you meet yourself in struggle, which to me is one of the most beautiful truths about the human experience. You see, struggle and I are old friends. I understand that space very well because, for 10 years, I sat there mapping out constellations in a room I was too afraid to leave. And that's okay because that's my story. It's uniquely me; it's the blueprint of my 20's and one day I'll look back on this time and I'll fully understand it. Or... maybe I won't. Either way, I'm not looking in that direction any longer. 

I set out on this new journey with only two things in my pocket: a compass that doesn't point North and a reminder to leave my shoes on when I get to Spectre because the place I'm going is a continuous dance with those constellations I never needed to map out. It's a place where music, instead of second hand grandfathers, proceeds the setting sun.

It turns out that after all this time I still don't know very much, but I do know one thing: I'm sure to meet struggle where I'm going. And I'm sure that She will look different than who I knew so intimately before this. She will be different because I am different; because that's all struggle was ever meant to be - it was only ever meant to be a looking glass. 

It was never meant to be taken seriously. 

You're the One that I Want

You know what this has been, this journey that I've been on? Since day one, this whole thing was just a way for me to trust myself again. It was a way for me to learn how to rely on myself and to show myself that I would come through for me. Come hell or high water.

And you know what? I totally haven't been that for myself. I've let myself down more times than I can wrap my mind around. I've hidden behind the mountain of excuses that I've built so it would be easier for me to ignore the calls for help I was sending out.  

All I've ever needed was for me to take the empty seat that was front and center from the stage I was standing on and be my own support. To fill the room with applause once the curtain dropped. And for me to be proud of myself for the effort I put in, and for the important things I didn't leave undone. 

It's time to answer that call and to dive in wholeheartedly. 

Our City

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented? Who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

This, everything that's been happening lately, has been the very. best of my life. The head-heart connections that I'm having keep showing me that which stretches me is so very important and that if I'm still enough to look at what is unfolding right in front of me, I will see that I am being held through it all. I will see that I'm safe.

God, I haven't felt this level of peace since I was a little girl! I've made the head-heart connection around the simple truth that I can step into my own life again and just be me... without a filter! Without censorship! Without shrinking! Without being afraid that I will take a "wrong" turn, whatever the hell that even means. I haven't been asked to do it perfectly the first time around like I've subconsciously anchored myself to for the past two decades. That false expectation paralyzed me because there is no way in the world that I could ever know how I am meant to get from A to Z without giving myself the permission to travel there first. I knew that, right? I knew that perfection didn't have a place in my world anymore going into this new year. I knew what I wanted my life to look like but I didn't have the heart connection to accompany that knowledge. I feel that now.

You know what it was? It's that the risk of vulnerability, to me, was always like throwing a party that no one showed up to. But you know what I learned today!? That it'll always be like that if I continue to approach my life that way! If I never even throw the damn party, I will only ever realize the end that I'm most afraid of, which is going the rest of my life without truly connecting with people. People have so much greatness within them! So much greatness. I want to be apart of that. I want to see that. To support that. To help someone realize that within themselves and then to stand next to them and watch them turn the world upside down in whatever way that looks like for them. I want to love people, like deeply love people. 

No, not perfection. It was never about doing it right. It was about rising up to something bigger than myself. It was about finding something deeper within myself and aligning with that instead. My soul has wanted to be apart of something authentic and worthy of my life ever since I can remember. Something I found to be beautiful and sacred and holy. And now I've found that!! With every fiber of my being, I know now what I am supposed to be doing with my life. And guess what I'm being asked to do? To fucking show up. In order for me to do any of this, I need to be me. Me just as I am. Me in progress. Me without walls. Me without shrinking. Mother fucking me. 

Mind. Blown. 


Like Real People Do

Good Morning, Loves:

There's something stirring up within me, something I can't quite put my finger on. But I know that whatever this is, it's possibly the truest thing that's ever happened. It feels like new. It feels like I'm finishing up the last few words of one giant chapter of my life - the one that encompasses the first 20-something years where I go around searching for something that I've had all along.

I spent an entire year growing by my 2016 resolution, which was to be intentional with myself and with others. I didn't know it then, but the word intention within medicine means "the healing of a wound" which is exactly what this last year was for me. God, it was a brutal year, but it was also such a beautiful year filled with some of the deepest healing I've ever known. 

My intent for 2017 is to do life in full awareness, which is a definition of "knowing". It's to know that I have no fucking clue what life has in store for me. I have no idea what the next height will look like, or what the next break will feel like, but I know that neither are to be taken seriously. It's to know that everything really does happen for a reason and to remember that I don't need to know what that reason is - I just need to trust that it's right. It's to know that life is all about relationships and every single one of them will teach me something about myself, about life, and about love. It's to know that life only ever begins when we start showing up, and it doesn't matter if we show up messy, confused, uncomfortable, or insecure. We just need to show up. And it's to know that perfection has no place in my world because "the important thing in Life is not triumph, but the struggle; the essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." 

Here's to knowing. Cheers to another beautiful year, 


King of Carrot Flowers

This is such a beautiful feeling, this clarity.  It feels more stable than I thought it would, more directed and intentional. It feels open, peaceful, connected...free. I have this deep, overwhelming desire to be myself; a fierce longing to be genuine. 

I never fully saw who I was becoming until this year, never fully understood the impact a life placed on autopilot truly had on me. I see that so clearly now. I see someone who loved so deeply, who was excited for the adventures that life had to offer, who never saw impossibility or limitations... who was fearless.  And I also see the impact certain agreements I made with myself had on me. They changed me, deeply and fundamentally for a while. I had to do it perfectly, to advance and achieve and save my future self from feeling like how I always did deep down: that every moment of every day was actually a lose lose situation, in the most demanding way, and all for a gain that I couldn't be proud of. Perfection doesn't have personality attached to it. It doesn't have growth, or struggle, or kindness propping it up. My soul was longing for that, not perfection.

I am now able to sit next to people and just get to know them, to love them without needing anything in return. To see and honor the soul within each of them, and within myself.

Love. There is no other word I can use to adequately describe what that feels like, just love.