There is an important difference between where I was just one week ago and where I am today: a knowing quietly entered my being and has since permanently changed how I walk through this life.
Simply put, there are certain things I need to do in order to get where I want to be. They're more than just a rule book I need to follow in order to fill in the blank, they're more like fundamental laws I must abide by in order for me to step into my own life. Because without them, I would just fade back into the background. I would be afraid of failing, afraid of succeeding, afraid of losing someone, afraid of loving someone... afraid of every little thing. It took me 28 years to understand that I was fighting a force that, when our paths cross, has the potential of gaining momentum and if left unchecked, a strength that's almost impossible to overcome...almost. I don't know what it is about me but I've taken myself to the brink of extinction twice now by allowing Fear to suffocate me right up until the moment I'm lost to it all together. For me, knowing that I react that way is now the equivalent of cheating death.
When my alarm went off this morning I felt the cold air against my skin and the warmth of my husband next to me, and in a moment, laziness crept in. Do you know what the definition of laziness is? "The unwillingness to use work or energy. Idleness." I laid there at a crossroads - I either get up and steal 3 hours for myself so I can step into the roles that I play and be the best version of myself, like I said I would, or I can stay in this warm bed and remain in a state I've been in for 28 years because I was unwilling to step into the morning. The power there is that for the first time in my life, I'm clearly creating my own alternatives rather than being a Pawn in a game that required the actions of Queens. The only thing I ever needed to understand was what I needed to do when the waters rise. That's it.
God, the irony in that kills me.